More tap than Bonnie Langford (nearly)

I was small and musical
Originally uploaded by Queen o' Hearts.

So this week I was doing.. er, well I'm not sure what to call it.
Hitting.
Largely.

It was technique.
Stick and wrist technique.

The principal was to teach control and to learn some handy little 'ghost beats', as my tutor called them.

So we started off with standard beats on the snare drum and we covered what was considered a 'down' beat (which is where you beat the drum but the stick stays close to the skin) and 'up' beat (which is a slight tap as you move your wrist up and the stick down slightly as you raise the stick up for the next beat - I covered this the other day slightly on the high hat (and was miserable at it)).
Then we did 'taps' which is when the stick starts close to the skin and is a beat and stays close to the skin of the drum.

Then it was all about combinations. Both one hand and two hands.
Such as (one hand):
Down Up
Down Tap Up
Full Down Tap Up

Two hands (alternative - so the left is always playing the second word - which is the taps for example):
Full Tap Down Tap Tap Tap Up Tap
Down Tap Up Tap (this sounds like a stereotypical Red Indian beat type thing)

The Ups and the Taps tend to be less hard than the full (aka normal) strokes and the downs, so you get more emphasis on the full and down strokes and then the others are 'ghost' beats - in that you don't really notice they're there but they flesh out a sound.
Or that's the theory, anyway.
Whether that is actually what it sounds like when I play it, is another matter.

Much slower lesson this week. Far more lethargic feel to it.
We talked about buying a full kit online and how much that would cost and stuff.
And he said I should try and find a band to play with (ha!).

To be honest I still feel really self conscious when I'm given a task because it often takes me a while to get into it and get the feel of what I'm going, then I'm busy correcting things as I go along and I can't HELP but be ultra aware that this must be REALLY boring for him sitting there.
So I tend to kind of fob things off.

He's also obsessed with getting me to play along with CDs/music.
I mean I do - especially on weekends but at the moment I'm ultra aware that I'm not even on the beat when I'm on the metronome (I'm trying to stick at 100 at the moment for most things).
And I just don't feel 'ready'.
I had this problem before in other hobbies. When I did karate my sensei wanted me to go for my belt and I just didn't feel ready, you know?
Maybe I'm a bit of a perfectionist, in which case I'll never feel like I'm good enough regardless but I still think it's important to feel comfortable and have belief in your abilities before jumping into things.
Even if that's something as small as playing along and feeling confident that I can do that to a suitable level.

Maybe guys have it a bit easier because they don't care and are happy to hit away and sound shit.
Maybe that's not just a gender thing.
I'm not much of a spontaneous type and I am well aware that this does not make me a good musician.
In fact it doesn't make me a good anything.
But it would be easier if I had a certain level of self confidence in my own abilities which would then lead to feel more comfortable behind some drums.